When an 11-Year-Old Chooses Which Parent to Live With: A Mediator's Story of Loss & Return

🎯 "I thought my world had collapsed."

When Katy Harris separated, a court order followed her 11-year-old son's wishes: he would live with his dad, while his older and younger brothers stayed with her. Within months, contact had stopped. Then came the part no court ever sees.

In this deeply honest conversation, Lisa talks with Katy and her colleague Lucy, two UK family mediators on opposite ends of the custody spectrum. Katy is the mom whose middle son walked away. Lucy is the stepmom whose partner won custody of his two girls for safety reasons. Together they explore what children really need when their parents separate, and why an 11-year-old should never carry the weight of choosing.

Content note: This conversation includes discussion of child criminal exploitation, substance use, and a family member's suicide. Please take care while watching.

What You'll Learn:

✅ Why letting a child choose where to live can leave them more vulnerable, not less
✅ Why the "in-between" middle child (ages 11 to 13) is especially at risk after separation
✅ How exploiters and gangs target children who feel they don't belong anywhere
✅ Why a child who comes home can't simply pick up where they left off
✅ What "keeping the door open" looks like when your child says they want nothing to do with you
✅ Why it's the conflict, not the separation, that harms children most
✅ The lifeboat image that explains why some kids reach for neither parent
✅ What a stepparent carries, and how Lucy built a working relationship with her stepdaughters' mom
✅ How skilled mediators find "one small agreement" to soften two angry parents
✅ Why no court can build the village a separating family needs, and how to start building it yourself

About Katy Harris & Lucy:

Katy Harris is an accredited family and civil mediator and the founder of Mediation Matters Midlands and The London Mediation Company in the UK. She holds a law degree, spent 17 years as a child development consultant focused on raising resilient children and supporting their mental health, and retrained as a mediator after her own difficult separation. She specializes in child-inclusive, trauma-informed mediation, trains mediators internationally, and co-hosts the Bridging the Gap conference with Tracy Ann Moore-Grant of the Amicable Divorce Network. Lucy is a family mediator at Mediation Matters Midlands with a background in psychology and counseling and a master's degree in child and adolescent mental health. Her master's research focused on how stepparents affect children, a subject she knows firsthand as a stepmom of two and a mom of one.

A quick note for our US and Canadian viewers: Cafcass is the UK service that advises family courts on children's welfare, and a MIAM is the confidential assessment meeting required before most UK family mediation. "County lines" refers to drug gangs that exploit children as couriers.

CONNECT WITH KATY & LUCY:

🌐 Mediation Matters Midlands: https://mediationmattersmidlands.co.uk
📧 Email: info@mediationmattersmidlands.co.uk
💼 Katy on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/katy-harris-2096bb85/
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MediationMattersMidlandsLtd/
📸 Instagram: Mediation Matters Midlands Ltd
🏛️ Also: The London Mediation Company and the Bridging the Gap conference

BEEN THERE GOT OUT RESOURCES:

📕 When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (foreword by Bill Eddy): https://BeenThereGotOut.com/Book2
📚 Strategic Communication Course: https://programs.beentheregotout.com/strategic-communication
📞 Free 30-minute discovery call: https://BeenThereGotOut.com
📸 Instagram: @been_there_got_out
🌐 Blog: https://beentheregotout.com/blog

#ParentalAlienation #ChildRefusesContact #HighConflictDivorce #CoParenting #FamilyMediation #Stepmom #CustodyBattle #DivorceAndKids #KeepTheDoorOpen #BeenThereGotOut