Trump's Secret Military Meeting, AI Medbed Scam & Portland War Zone

President Trump attends a mysterious gathering of hundreds of generals at Quantico that's definitely not suspicious at all. The White House insists it's just about "esprit de corps" and touring weapons, which is exactly what you say when everything is completely normal. Then Trump briefly promotes AI-generated "medbeds" - alien healing technology that turned out to be expensive heating pads from a New Age convention. Plus, Portland gets designated as "war ravaged," which comes as news to Portland residents who thought their biggest threat was choosing between kombucha flavors.